Friday, December 9, 2011

Part Five of the "Baby #5 Saga"

Another week of waiting passes. I just LOVE this game, don't you?! Dr. R said Thursday at the earliest and Monday at the latest! It seems I can’t catch a break.
I’m blessed to have such an awesome husband who took me home to Washington for the entire (you read that correctly) Thanksgiving week. We left little ‘ol Idaho on Saturday morning and arrived in Washington around 8:30 that night. It was quite the trip. Lucky for us we have amazing road tripping kids. They are pro’s and didn’t cause us hardly any problems at all. Let me tell you, it was the best get away for me, to be able to be around my sisters and parents and kinda forget about all the mess back home in Idaho. Not that I forgot at all, but I was able to be distracted a lot easier that’s for sure.
That Thursday and Friday passed without a word from either my OBGYN or the specialist, and I didn’t expect anything that weekend. The Monday before Thanksgiving rolls around and finds my family (including sisters, mom and nephews) at the bowling alley when I finally get ‘the call’ (after having to call both my OB and the Specialist several times). Here’s pretty much how it goes:
Dr. R: “Hi BriAnne. So you’ll be happy to know that he doesn’t have Trisomy 13 or 18. Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I should start out by telling you that ‘congratulations, it’s a boy!”
Me: (to myself) I knew it! I thought I saw a dangler in the ultrasound. “Wait. The baby doesn’t have any Trisomy disorders? How can that be?”
Dr. R: “Based on the FISH results there are no indications of either Trisomal defect. He does have Holoprosencephaly, but we still aren’t sure to what degree or what else that means. I want you to come in when the amniocentesis results come back and we’ll give you another ultrasound then. It will be easier to see more of the physical abnormalities and defects that the baby has when he is a little bigger.”
Me: confused silence.... “ummm... ok. That sounds good. So, do we still not know much then from the test results? Is his life expectancy any different? What are we dealing with now? Is everything still safe for me?” questions after question is running through my head at this point
Dr. R: “His prognosis still isn’t good. Zero to six months is the average life span for Holoprosen babies, and that is IF they survive in utero and the delivery. Everything still looks good for you, and we will continue to monitor you and the baby throughout the rest of your pregnancy, so no worries there. (HA- no worries! Yeah right!) Unfortunately, we still don’t know a whole lot and I’m sure that you have even more questions now than you did before. We’ll get through this together BriAnne. Ok? I am so sorry for everything and I want to help in any way I can. You can call me anytime if you have any questions.”
Me: “So, it feels to me that we’re pretty much back to square one. Great. What do you recommend now?”
Dr. R: “It does feel that way, but I’m hoping that the amnio results and another ultrasound will give us a little more information to work with. I will continue my research here so that when you come back hopefully I’ll have a little more information to give you. Unfortunately, what happens from here on out all depends on how you and your husband choose to handle things. There isn’t anyone who can tell you what is right for you. I think that you have a lot of prayer and soul searching ahead of you. Just remember that we’re here to do things however you feel it needs to be done, ok?”
After that was a long conversation about the pro’s and con’s to every little decision that could be made at this point. I explained that I was scared of having to bring home a baby that I knew I would find passed on one day. It absolutely terrifies the bejeezes out of me! I explained to her how I have an older sister with learning disabilities and that isn’t what scares me- in fact I would really prefer having to deal with that. It’s this whole ‘land of the unknown’ that I’m worried about. Dr. R reiterated that she didn’t believe in terminating the pregnancy, to which I agreed whole heartedly. There are too many opportunities for regret, guilt and self blame to even look down that road. I believe that what will happen, will happen. If Heavenly Father calls my little boy home early, then he does. If He lets him live minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months... then so be it. We’ll deal with it one step at a time. I laughed, and cried with Dr. R, and I hung up the phone liking her a lot more than I did before. And I’m glad, because a good doctor/patient relationship is absolutely necessary, esp. during difficult situations such as ours. Now, back to my family – who I know is chomping at the bit for any info I can give them.
So, here I am today - still, half in the dark about everything. I would have thought that I would have heard back from the specialist by now, but I guess the amnio results haven’t come back yet. I’m also supposed to go in and talk with my OBGYN but I’ve yet to call them back and schedule anything. It’s hard to make those kinda of appointments when you know that it’s just going to be discussing the rough road ahead. My idea of fun. (Please tell me you caught the sarcasm in that).

Now you know as much as I do. And now, you get to wait with me! Aren’t you so excited?! Yeah, I knew you were. So far we’ve have a lot of “What can we do?” and “I’m so sorry!” and “You’re so strong.” But we’re just dealing with everything as we go along. There isn’t much anyone can do really (we don’t even know what to do ourselves!), but your prayers are much appreciated. And there isn’t anything anyone needs to be sorry for – unless this was your fault... in which case I think that you and I need to have a serious ‘conversation about things’, if you know what I mean. Josh and I certainly don’t feel strong. Honestly, we are just trying to make it through every day without falling apart (at least I know I am). It’s just nice to know that we have such an amazing support system of friends and family that are thinking about and praying for us. To which we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. Until next time...


Michelle said...

Wow what a story BriAnne!! I hope that you hear back soon. I think about you often with what is going on for you. We are praying for you guys!

grammaDawn said...

D-A-M-it! I said I didn't want anymore tears. I hate that I'm not there with you.....actually, no offense, but what I meant was, I hate that you're not here with us.

neenerneener said... is swearing in your comments you sister....and even though mom is swearing...i agree!! you're amazing btw;)

bryndiw said...

Love you BriAnne. You, your family and baby boy are in my thoughts and prayers