Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Random Ramblings

Bummer thing about being human... just that: you’re only human. There’s only so much you have control over. Your attitude and your reactions... and that’s about it. Unfortunately for me, my goods and bads come in waves. One moment I’m good, and the next I’m bad. It’s hard for me to pick myself up out of the trenches sometimes. I know that my attitude changes everything. I know this. Sometimes, it’s just too much to pretend. Today is one of those days. It isn’t a good one. There are all these things that I need to be doing around the house, and I don’t care. The laundry is piling up, the dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher, there is a small pile of laundry needing to be folded, the kid’s toothpaste spit needs to be rinsed off the bathroom mirror and sink – but I don’t care. I do, but at the same time – oh well. There’s always tomorrow. Right?! Either tomorrow, or the cleaning fairies will show up when it gets really bad and take care of it for me... but I haven’t seen them in a while – or ever actually. They’re pretty elusive.
Honestly, there are some mornings that I just don’t even want to get out of bed. It takes too much energy to go about my day pretending that I don’t ache; that I’m not sad, trying to forget about what is happening with the baby. Some days the three beautiful kids that I love and adore are too much to handle. Some days, it’s enough just being me that throwing a house, kids and husband in the mix is just physically and especially mentally/emotionally draining. Its moments when I’m feeling down like this, that I truly feel like the worst mother in the world! Who am I to be wallowing? Who am I to be whining? Why am I not enjoying the children that are here with me now?! What kind of a mother am I to not enjoy what I do have before me? There is always someone who has it worse! But I’m not them. I’m me... and this is hard.
When I look at all these other cute pregnant women, with their perfect little bellies holding perfect little babies, sometimes I just want to cry. When I see so many women with their perfectly healthy, beautiful newborn babies sometimes it makes it hard for me to even breathe. Why can’t that be me? Life can be so unfair! What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? Could I have prevented this? What if, what if, what if...

Now, don’t read all this and think that I am such a downer. Everyone has their moments, and I wanted to share my entire journey with all of you – the good, the bad, and the ugly (no matter how ugly I got). Really, I know that life is truly an amazing gift and that I am incredibly blessed. I know that our Father in Heaven gives us trials to make us stronger. Although we might not understand why at the time, these things are for our benefit and we are the only ones who can handle the trials given to us. I know this to be true. As a parent, I want my children to be the best they can be, and giving them opportunities to grow and strengthen will only help them to achieve this. It is the same with our Heavenly parents. They love us and want us to be our best, our strongest and so they give us these challenges to learn and to grow. Our past trials have made us who we are today. For that, I am so grateful – for Heavenly parents who want to help me become my best me and who are there to support me when I’m at my worst and cheer me on when I’m at my best.
I am so lucky to have three gorgeous, healthy children and a loving and supportive husband. It’s more than a lot of people have, and truly I am beyond grateful for them. I should be spending my time showering them with kisses and love, not grumbling at them – or yelling like I sometimes (okay, often) do. Why is it that we can’t just be happy with what we do have, and not be unhappy about what we don’t? Why? Because we’re human; and humans have their moments too.
Now that I’ve gotten this off of my chest, I can move on with my day. I’m going to pick myself up and get one load of laundry done, and start the dishes. Then, I’ll see what happens from there. Like I’ve mentioned before, I can do this. One breath, one day, one step at a time I can do this. I can, I can, I can!


neenerneener said...

i love you sister.

Melinda said...

My last pregnancy (#5 pregnancy, #4 baby) my husband joined the army and was gone for almost six months, while I was pregnant and while I had the baby. The thought of having to deliver a baby by myself and deal with my other three kids by myself and take care of my house and bills and EVERYTHING BY MYSELF, was so overwhelming. I was so depressed. I was so that "most horrible mom on the planet". I SO get what you're saying. Our situations were different yes, but how you described what you're feeling--I SO get. I'm sorry. Its hard. Truly. I felt all the things you said: I should be grateful, I don't want to be sad anymore, I want to be happy, I want to enjoy my life and my blessings. I just...couldn't make myself. I'm so sorry. I really am praying for you and your family, I hope you're finding some comfort and peace.

Melissa Cheney said...

Just learned of your news and read your blog.....I was crying and laughing (at your creative writing) the whole way through! Thanks for being so candid and sharing this. I related to what you were talking about in seeing other moms with babies and wondering if you've done something wrong or why it's happening to you...I've felt that before, for different reasons, but it's not fun....not that you blame others, you just wonder why. Anyway...I'm glad you're sharing this and know that you can feel whatever you need to feel and it's okay. You and Josh are awesome...we are praying for you (as trite as that sounds it's really true!)

grammaDawn said...

If you're gonna make me cry and hurt that I'm not there to help you through this....I'm not reading anymore;o) (Kidding) I totally know what you're saying, I too have been there. Sometimes life really sucks!! But it's the times when you CAN count your blessings that it is all worth it. I'm glad you can still count. loveyouforever!!