Happy 1st Birthday Archer!

 

 

   My sweet, darling boy. Oh how I miss you. So much has happened since you left us only one year ago. Have you seen how we've grown? How much we've learned and progressed?

   Do you know how much your brothers and sister miss you? How much your Dad misses you? How much I miss you? There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of you. I never believed that my heart could actually physically hurt. Never thought it was possible. But oh how my heart aches at each and every thought of you. Every time I hear a baby cry, or see a mother with her newborn babe - my thoughts are immediately filled with you. How I will never hold you again. How I will never smell your sweet baby smell, kiss your tiny lips or feel your soft baby skin again. How I missed out on so many things. My arms yearn to hold you again. Oh, how they feel so empty without you to hold. Even now they know you are missing. They feel every moment you are away.

   My little man, you are so very loved. Your brother and sister constantly pray for you (and your brother Tay) to come down from Heaven so that they can see you, talk to you, and play with you. Blakey even told me that he didn't even want all his toys for Christmas, all he really wanted was for you to come back home. Did you hear him? How much he misses you? Alli wants you back so badly. Do you see Alli cry for you when she asks about when she gets to see you again? Do you hear how she misses you? Do you even begin to realize how much you are loved? How much you are missed? I cannot wait for the day that we are reunited. How I look forward to the day where I can hold you again.

   I only pray that I am worthy to be with you again. You (and your brother) are my driving force. My reasons to try. There are somedays where I think that all I do is not enough... and you must know how that breaks my heart. It is unthinkable that I might not measure up. Help me be the mother that you deserve. Remind me to be more patient. Remind me to be more kind and loving. Remind me of the things are important when it seems I have forgotten. Help me return to you my angel boy.

 

With all my love,

your Mommy



Well, Jesus did....

     I've finally got around to cleaning out the room that was going to be Archer's nursery. It was like pulling out my own teeth, sans Novocaine. I didn't want to do it and it was very painful. As I was taking down the crib Blake came in and yelled at me "What are you doing!?" I told him that I was taking down the crib because we didn't need it. He replied with "Where is Archer going to sleep when he comes back?" I explained to him that "Archer went back to Heaven, remember? He isn't going to come back." And do you know what his reply was, "Well, Jesus died, and He came back." What am I supposed to say to that? :) Smart little boy. Every single one of Blake's nighttime prayers includes, "Please bless that Archer will come back to earth." (except his 'earth' sounds more like 'erf'). It is one of the sweetest, most heartbreaking things I've ever heard.

D-Day part 5

     Josh and I began to realize that Heavenly Father needed our little man more than we did. As Josh and I discussed things with Dr. J, Josh asked him straight forward, "If this was your son, what would you do?" and Dr. J's reply was that he would take him off the machines and love him until God took him home. Archer was struggling, he was getting worse. Dr. J told us that there was no right or wrong decision and that he would help us with whatever choice we made. Archer could be kept alive by medications and machines, but no one knew how long that "life" would be. After some deep soul searching, prayers and tears, Josh and I had come to a decision but actually going through with it was a whole other ball game. Although I knew it was time to let him go, I still felt so torn by it. I wanted to keep him with me. It would be no life for Archer to have "lived" on machines, and I knew that it was my selfishness that was keeping him here. But how do you ever just let your baby go? It was going to be MY say so - no pressure or anything. Even now, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

   After Dr. J left the room, Josh and I returned to the NICU to spend some time with our little Archer. All the time in the world still wouldn't have been enough. He was a beautiful little man. Such soft skin. Perfect fingers, toes, eyes, mouth, nose... perfect everything. I could have stared at him forever. Honestly, I couldn't wait to kiss on him without all the tubes and wires getting in the way. I don't remember how long we stood there with Archer, but eventually we made our way back to my hospital room. Over the length of the afternoon and even we had several flows of visitors (both friends and family) who came to wish us well and see our angel boy. We told our families that we had come to a decision. Everyone who was able was told to get here asap because we planned on giving Archer a blessing the following evening and then letting him go. Our family and a few close friends were invited to be there and participate. 

   Eventually, Josh and I were left to ourselves. I can't speak for Josh, but I remembering just thinking "Is this really happening?!" It was the weirdest feeling. I knew I was there but it felt like a horrible dream. Josh needed to go back home to shower and get me a few things, including some edible food - no offense EIRMC, but hospital food stinks. Only a few minutes after Josh left, I found myself making the trek back to my baby. You would think that after the day I'd had, I would have just wanted to go to sleep but I didn't feel right being in my room without Archer. I didn't feel right being so far away. I just wanted to be close to him - nowhere else.

   When I made it to Archer's room, a nurse was there watching him. My first question, "How is he doing?". Fortunately, he was doing good for the moment. He liked to lay on his tummy. Every time the nurses tried rotating him to his back all his stats dropped. Its funny how even only hours old, babies still have their own personalities and preferences. It was so hard not to pick him up and hold him tight. I think that if I would have, I wouldn't have been able to put him back down. I stayed there with him for a couple hours, just talking to him and touching him however I could. The nurse left the room so that I could have some time with Archer alone. At first I didn't understand why, but only minutes after she stepped out I understood. That time I had with him was life altering. There are many realizations that I came to in that hour and a half alone with my baby boy. Many of them too personal to share, but I will tell you this: Heavenly Father hears us. Our pleas do not fall on deaf ears. During that time I was filled with an undeniable peace. No, it didn't make our decision any easier, but I knew... I KNEW that it was right. Archer was needed elsewhere, but I would see him again. Archer was MINE and I was his. Forever. Our time apart would only be but a moment.

   I spent the whole time crying. Sobbing really. I laid my head right next to his and held his tiny hand, smoothed his soft hair, and rubbed his tiny back and feet. I told Archer over and over how much I loved him. How much he meant to our family, how we would miss him so much. I told him how much I hurt, but that I understood. I told him how scared I was and that I needed him just a bit longer before I could let him go. I apologized for being selfish. I told him to come and visit us often. I told him that I would try my hardest to be good enough to see him and his brother again and that I couldn't wait for that day. With a kiss to his beautiful face, I secured the walls to Archer's incubator back in place and left his room with an aching heart, swollen eyes, a runny nose, and a terrible headache. With each visit it got harder and harder to leave my angel boy. Slowly, I trudged back to my room, with one thought... tomorrow was going to be the shortest, longest day of my life.

Priceless

Thank you so much to Kacey for being there to take all of these AMAZING photos of our family. The photos will forever remain a priceless treasure to me, and my family. A million thanks, and hugs and kisses.

"How are you doing?"

I don't know the answer to this question to be perfectly to be honest. Like I posted earlier on Facebook, this morning I looked at my toenails and noticed that all the nail polish was chipping off. My toes were so cute just a week ago. All pretty and freshly painted, sparkling and ready to take on the world. Resembled my optimism and excitement just perfectly I think. But that was before. And now after all chipped, ugly and broken, my toenails still represent how I feel on the inside. Broken. Ugly. Alone. Lost.
I cannot begin to explain how many times I've gone into a room this past week only to stop, forgetting what I even was doing or looking for in the first place. I turn around and around, looking for some clue or reminder as to why I'm there, only to come up empty and leave the room empty handed. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind some days and it really scares me.
There are times where I am in a room full of people and I couldn't feel more alone. How is that? I can see them, hear them, feel them and yet it is as if they aren't even there. It makes me want to scream.
Then there are moments where I feel nothing. Its like I'm empty. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not scared, hopeful, thankful... just nothing. It's a really hollow feeling.
People come by, and though I'm happy to see them I just want to be alone. Isn't that contradicting? I feel alone, I don't like it... and yet I crave the silence that only solitude can bring. It just doesn't make sense.
Almost every night, since Archer's passed I've had horribly strange dreams of searching for something, or someone and coming up empty handed. I'm always in a panic and I know that it is imperative that I find whatever or whoever it is I'm looking for, but I'm never quite able to find it - and I don't always know exactly what it is I'm looking for. Just that I'll know what it is when I find it. But it's always just out of my reach. And more often than not I wake up in a cold sweat.
Every day, at least once, I break down in tears. Gut wrenching sobs wrack me to my core and push me to my knees. It's exhausting and I never let my children see it, and hardly ever do it around my husband - though I'm sure he knows.
I am always tired. I could sleep for hours every night and through the day and it wouldn't be enough. My body aches in ways completely unrelated to the delivery. My head hurts all the time. I think it's because of all the crying I've been doing. My legs feel like their covered in bruises - I haven't a clue why. Then there are the aches completely related to the delivery.
Every day I'm reminded that my baby isn't with me. Every time I look in the mirror and see my saggy stomach, ugly stretch marks and engorged chest I'm reminded Archer's gone. My stomach still itches and hurts from the bought of PUPPS (a pregnancy related rash) that I got the last week or so I was pregnant. Luckily, it hurts less and less every day. Strangely enough, sometimes I can still feel Archer kicking and moving inside me. It's like the 'phantom limb' syndrome. Almost as if my body (or mind) just can't accept the fact that he's really and truly gone. My milk has come in and my chest has been hurting every day since the morning Archer passed. Again, lucky for me it is hurting less and less every day but still, it hurts. And every ache and pain is a reminder of who I've lost.
Every time we sit down as a family for a meal, a prayer or to play, or just sit - there is always a sense of someone missing. I'm always thinking, "Archer should be here." or "This is where Archer would be sitting.". Images of me holding my sweet little boy while the other kids play at my feet constantly flash through my mind. It's awful and glorious all at the same time. There was so much that I wanted for Archer; so much I pictured and imagined for our family with him. All those dreams have been crushed. I won't ever get to do any of those things that I pictured. Pushing him around in a stroller, celebrating his first birthday, taking him up to see his family in Washington, taking him to the ocean, taking him with us to the park, taking him swimming and camping, his daddy teaching him to fish, watching him grow and learn. So many things that I wanted for him, for us - and it was all taken from me in just a matter of moments. The space that these hopes and dreams took up inside of me is now hollow, and for now there isn't anything to fill it with.
This week, I've dealt with two sick boys. Logan refused to fall asleep last night until around 6 or so this morning and was up at 2 am the morning before that. It was the first time that I really felt angry through this whole ordeal. I feel awful for saying this and it's hard to admit, but I was angry at Heavenly Father. Angry for taking not one, but two of my boys from me. I was angry for the difficulties that I was experiencing. And then I was angry because the same week that I buried my baby boy, I was up with a sick child two nights in a row. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep and for some reason Heavenly Father didn't see fit to answer my pleas for help. Didn't I deserve some rest?! I'm ashamed to admit that I yelled at Him. I questioned why He saw it fit to watch me suffer in such a way. Why couldn't He just make it all better? Why wouldn't He just make Logan better and help him fall asleep? Why did I have to go through this? Why, why, why?!
It's so funny when I hear people say how strong I am because I sure don't feel that way. I feel horribly broken right now. All I am doing is taking it one step at a time. It's like someone mentioned at Archer's memorial: it's like I'm a train on a track. There isn't anywhere else for me to go but forward... so that's where I go. Forward. Forward with HoPE that these feelings will pass with time. That one day, I will wake up and be happy from the moment my feet hit the floor. That I will no longer feel so lost and alone and broken beyond repair. That I won't have to remind myself to take a shower, change my clothes, brush my teeth and comb my hair, or put on deodorant. That I won't just go through the motions of my day - but I will be an actual active participant in my life.
I've had genuine smiles and laughs this past week. I've been genuinely happy. There have been many moments of love and comfort and peace since Archer left us. I know that I'll see Archer again. I know that my life experiences aren't meant as a punishment. I do. I know these things but that doesn't make any of it hurt any less. It doesn't make my loss any less real. It doesn't make me miss Archer any less and it certainly doesn't take away the sting of the loss of the life I imagined with him as a part of our family on this earth.

I always try to take a moment to go back and re-read my posts. I realize that this post looks kinda bad. But I want you to understand that this isn't meant as a way to make people feel sorry for me. All I want is for people to understand where I am at right now. When you see me at the store, and it looks like I haven't brushed my hair in several days and could use a good scrubbing, now  you know why. When you see me standing in the middle of a room and I look completely clueless and lost, now you know why. When I don't answer or return your phone call, now you know why. It isn't because I'm mad at you or am trying to get rid of you. It's because I'm lost and trying to find my way in this new life that's been created for me. So in answer to the question "How are you doing, Bree?" I have to honestly say "I don't know, but I'm trying."

 

D-Day part 4

As the family and I trekked to the NICU, my stomach was all a flutter with nerves. I was so excited to see him again, and excited for Alli to get to see and hold him for the first time. And to tell the truth, I was excited for ME to get to hold him again too! Cause you can bet your bottom dollar that I was going to get to hold him before ANYONE else... sorry Josh. I can't even begin to explain how nervous I was when the NICU nurse was getting Archer all ready to be held. There I was, sitting in this big, plastic rocking lazy-boy type chair with family all around me. I know that they were all jealous - as they should have been. Archer was the sweetest, most beautiful boy there ever was and I was going to get to hold him. I don't think anyone else but the nurses had held him, and here I was lucky enough to get the chance to love on him TWICE! Lucky me! As soon as the nurses passed Archer over, Alli was right there over my shoulder, wanting to stroke his head, and kiss on him and hold him. But as I held him I noticed that his lips and fingers, a once pretty pink, were starting to turn a scary shade of purplish-blue. I had only been holding him for a few moments (certainly not long enough) and I told the nurse that I thought something was wrong, his coloring wasn't right. That was when one of the many machines Archer was attached to started this wretched beeping. It was his o-sats monitor and the numbers were dropping really fast, and right a long with 'em was my plummeting heart. Within a matter of moments Archer's oxygen went from 91% all the way down to 40% and I went all the way from elated to horror stricken. My selfishness to hold Archer nearly killed him! I felt terrible. Needless to say, I wasn't going to let anyone (including myself) hold him ever again! It was way too risky for Archer and it was damaging to my heart. I wasn't prepared to see something like that happen again. Even the nurses, who were so calm earlier that morning were sent into a panic trying set things right. Everyone but Josh and I pretty much cleared the room while the nurses helped my little man bring his sats up again. I've never felt so helpless in my life. There wasn't anything I could do to help. Nothing I could do but watch. What a sickening feeling that was. Dr. J kept telling us that we could try holding Archer again, but I wasn't having any of it. I was fine just being able to touch him, and that would have to do for everyone else as well. Gradually, family left and Josh went to make some phone calls to more family and I was alone with Archer once again. It was during this time that Dr. J received more definitive results and came in to share the news with me. Looks like things were worse than he/we thought. Archer's heart was struggling and so were his lungs, and Dr. J didn't know how long my baby was going to be able to hold on. He wanted to know if Josh and I were ready to tell him what we wanted, and asked to meet us back in my room. I swear, every trip up and down that hall from my room to the NICU and back felt like it took forever. I could never get to the NICU fast enough and I'd worry the whole way and every walk back to my room felt like it would be the last time I saw Archer alive. It was a horrible, horrible thing. Almost like death row I imagine. I hated it, but I couldn't make the trip enough.

 

D-Day part 3

As I was wheeled into Archer's NICU room my heart broke seeing my sweet little boy hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines. It just wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Someone so tiny and so precious shouldn't have had to be burdened by such things and I wanted to see his sweet face. Archer was such a strong boy right from the start. He fought so hard to spend that one day with us. It was so intimidating, all the machines. My fingers itched to hold him, to touch his soft skin, but I didn't want to disturb Archer. They were keeping him sedated, but I didn't want to make anything worse. I was content to just stroke his tiny hands and feet and rub his back and head and stare at his sweet, perfect angel face. How my heart swelled with love and pride for my baby boy. He was so strong. Archer was having difficulty breathing on his own and actually stopped breathing several times while I was in the room with him and I can't remember a time I had ever been so scared. The NICU team was amazing though. Always reassuring us and going about caring for our son in such a calm and loving manner. I, however, was anything but calm. I was only able to stay in the room with him for a little bit. I mean, I'd just had a baby for goodness sake. Not that I cared about me one single bit - I just wanted to stay with my baby boy. Eventually though, with the reassurances of the NICU staff that they would call me as soon as ANYTHING happened, I reluctantly went back to my room to rest (if you can call staring at the walls and ceiling pretty much freaking out resting). I'm not going to lie, there's a lot from that day that was really fuzzy. I wish that I would have gotten off my behind sooner and wrote this all out so that I wouldn't forget a single moment, but life here has been kind of crazy, and lucky for me I haven't forgotten a single moment of that day that involves being with my little Archer. I remember being in my recovery room my myself for a little bit. My husband, sisters and mom had all left to be with the baby or help to take care of the other kids and I was left for an hour or so to myself. I honestly can't remember anything but wanting to go back to see Archer. That's all I can remember. Just getting to see him. Praying that he would be ok until the next time I was able to be there with him. I honestly don't know what I would have done had he left this earth all alone. My heart can't take the pain of even the thought of it. Not then, and not even now. I didn't want my boy to be alone for even a second and I tried to be at his side as much as I possibly could. Later that afternoon (after I had come back from visiting Archer again) I met Josh and a few other family members in my room. As we were talking, Dr. J (the neonatologist) came in with some rather heart breaking news. Not only were Archer's lungs failing but so was his heart and his kidneys. Also, there was a lot less brain there than they originally thought. In fact, Dr. J thought that Archer had anencephaly as well because only about 25% (or even less) of his brain was even present. Archer also had a Dande Walker's cyst on the back portion of his existing brain and he had no sucking or swallowing reflex whatsoever. My world exploded around me. I could hardly breathe. Everything came crashing down. All my hopes. All my wishes. All my desires for this baby boy and our family, were all for naught. I was ok with the holoprosencephaly and whatever might come with it. I was prepared for challenges and hardships, but I wasn't prepared for this. Dr. J explained that the choice was ours, but the outcome didn't look good no matter how you looked at it. If we chose to try to keep him alive, he would always live on multiple machines and medications. Dr. J had called several other Neonatologists and specialists and they all agreed with him about Archer's situation. It didn't look good. His lungs were weakening by the minute and along with it, his heart was struggling to keep up. Dr. J told us that there was medication that he could use to help prolong his life but that it wasn't a guarantee it would work. If Archer were to be put on this medication he wouldn't be able to eat for a month at least and would have to kept on all these machines in the NICU for the entirety of the treatment. We asked Dr. J to give us some time to think about things and he said that he would come back in a few hours. Honestly, Dr. J is one of the greatest men. Several times during his talk with us he got choked up and told us how sorry he was. It was so great knowing that even though he didn't know us, he had compassion for our situation and wanted to help us in anyway that he could. He kept reassuring us that no matter what we decided, it was the right choice. There was NO wrong decision. When he left the room, Josh asked the rest of the family to give us some time alone to talk but as soon as they left we just collapsed into each other's arms and cried. All our worst fears had just come true. Archer would be leaving us A LOT sooner than either of us had anticipated and neither of us were ready to accept that reality - at least, I know I wasn't. We talked and came to a decision about what we wanted, and what we thought that Archer would want, and then we went to go and see him. Already I felt that I had spent too much time away. Because it is RSV season, no one under the age of 18 was allowed in the NICU, but DR. J gave us special permission to take Alli in to see and hold her new baby brother. She was so excited! And I was so excited for her.

D-Day part 2

Holy moly. I'm scared to re-read what I wrote last night. I hope it made some sort of sense... After delivering in the OR, I was sent back to my room. Luckily I had an A-MAZING nurse who really pushed for me to be able to go and see Archer ASAP. It was awesome. They wheeled my hospital bed right into the stabilizing area (what used to be the old NICU before the remodel) so that I could be with Archer while they assesed his vitals and all that good stuff. I will forever be grateful to Kandi (my awesome nurse) for pulling for me like that. Truly, she's the best. The entire family and I were able to stay in there with Archer for quite a while and were even able to watch while they gave him his x-rays. It was at this point where the neonatologist told us that due to the way Archer was reacting it seemed as if there was more going on than just the holoprosencephaly. My world literaly crashed down around me. Before I went in to deliver, the same neonatologist had come in and given us so much HoPE about Archer's situation. He was so positive about everything - not the typical 'doom and gloom' that we had become accustomed to. Back in the stabilizing room the NICU team were having to help Archer breathe and had called in the echo team to test his heart. Three major organs (brain, lungs and heart) down... how many more to go? Needless to say, the room was full of tears. Josh and I had gone into this situation thinking that we were so prepared, ready to make decisions. But then we see Archer's sweet, beautiful little face and everything just changed. What was the right decision anymore? We didn't know. Was there a 'right decision'? Was there a wrong? Darned if I knew. And it was made a million times worse when I was able to hold him and kiss on him. Oh, that was the sweetest moment! My tiny little Angel man FINALLY in my arms... even if it was for just a moment. As they transported Archer to the NICU, my bed followed his out of the stabilizing area and down the hall for a bit. L&D had their own little parade (even some of the nurses were waving and saying that we needed to throw out candy). I'm sure it was quite the show, what with all the people and equipment and all. I waved goodbye to my baby at the door of my room and watched them wheel him through the double doors and around the corner. So sad - I cannot even begin to describe that heart wrenching feeling of helplessness. Oh so painful. Would I see him again? Would he be ok? Would I ever get to hold him again? What if he stopped breathing and I wasn't there? What if, what if, what if? Lucky for me Kandi pulled through again and got me cleaned up and into a wheelchair as quickly as possible so that I could go and see my babe in the NICU. My heart raced the entire way. My nurse couldn't get me there fast enough. I was so worried that I was going to miss out on everything!

D-Day part 1

Well, we made it. After nearly 37 carrying the little guy Archer Benson Anderson was born today (March 19, 2012) at 10:05 am weighing in at a whopping 4 lbs 13 oz. Call me terrible but I don't even remember hearing a height measurement. Sorry. I'll get back to you on that one. I'd ask Josh but he is taking advantage of the oh-so-comfy "bed" slash chair in my recovery room right now and catching some much needed zzzz's. I know that over the next several days Josh and I are going to get a lot of questions and I'm hoping that this blog post will be able to give our family a little peace and quiet over the next few days (you'll understand why we need this by the end of this post series). So, go grab yourself some popcorn and maybe a tissue and I'll tell you all about our crazy day! Today actually started well before any sane person should have ever been awake. After staying up until midnight with Josh, my mom and sisters on Sunday I woke up at 1:40 this morning with some pretty painful contractions. Now, you gotta understand that with both Blake and Logan I never had very painful contractions. The only reason I went into the hospital with both of them was not because of the pain. It was because my water had broken, and I would go into the hospital dilated to a 7 or 8. So when I awoke this morning with such big contractions I figured that I was going to be around at least a 7. Boy was I wrong. Anyways, back to the story... after waking because of the pain, I immediately 'jumped' (I use this term loosely) out of bed and headed to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to 'go' in bed. While sitting on the toilet and experiencing some very intense and very regular contractions I quickly began to realize that 'this was it'. I was going to be having a baby TODAY. Not gonna lie... I kinda panicked. As much as I had been waiting for this... all of a sudden I wasn't so ready anymore. To help ease the back pain that I was having with and between each contraction, I got into the shower. And the fact that I hadn't showered at all on Sunday MIGHT have played a tiny part in that as well. While there I figured I could gussy myself up a little - I didn't want to totally disgust the hospital staff. So I washed up and even went so far as to shave my legs, not without much difficulty though! I was 'dressed to impress' when I went in to the hospital, that's for dang sure. I didn't want to rush right into L&D so I went out to the living room to time the contractions (every two minutes, lasting for one minute) and noticed that my sister (hey Justine!) was still awake. It's always more fun to have someone to share your excitement with. At first I thought that I was going to hang out for an hour or two and stay at home as long as I could. Who likes to sit in a Labor and Delivery bed all day? Not me. It only took me about 15 minutes to change my mind. Justine went and woke up my Mom and Josh - Chalynn had already woken because of the commotion I was causing. Josh packed the hospital bag for me (I know, I know... it should have been done already - but I'm just not that prepared), went and started the car and after I hobbled myself out we were off. When we got to L&D I was gowned and checked. I was only at a 3-4! I couldn't believe it. I mean seriously. These contractions were SO painful and it didn't help that they were clear up and down my back and into my tailbone. Ugh. Talk about pain. I was wanting to hold off on the epidural, but it took me all of about 5 seconds to change my mind about that as well. I wanted pain meds, and I wanted them NOW. Unfortunately the nurse had to finish admitting me, get an IV started and then I had to have a bag of fluids before I could get the epidural. Insert whiny voice here. So not fair! As you can plainly see, I survived... but I wasn't happy about it. I was SO glad to finally see the anesthesiologist walk into my room. He totally hooked me up and to show my thanks my water broke right in the middle of the procedure. At least I didn't get him with it - can you say embarrassing? Yowza. Fluids did however, go all over the bed, down my leg and all over the floor. Not gonna lie... I made a mess, and I felt really bad that I was giving the nurse more work. Me being me, my labor started to kinda slow down and I wasn't dilating or contracting at a regular pattern and so Dr. O started me on Pitocin at around 7:45 or so. Lucky for me, I take to the stuff really well and I was fully dilated and ready to go only two hours later. During this time the party guests had all arrived and soon room 117 was THE place to be - which is exactly how I LOVE it. It was so much fun to have all my family there with me, cheering me on. My sister, Justine, even started a baby pool. We (including the nurses) all put in our 'bets' of when Archer would be born and how much he would weigh. Let me just say, not a single one of us was even close to guessing his weight, but Justine was the closest to getting the time right. Because I was attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after delivery) I was wheeled into the OR for the delivery just in case something went wrong. Unfortunately, Dr. O would only let two people come back with me. I wanted five people there, so I was kinda bummed about that. Fortunately though the delivery was so quick that nobody missed anything and the rest of the crew were able to wait in the NICU! I was wheeled into the OR at around 9:40-9:45 ish and Archer was born at 10:05 am after a couple practice pushes followed by only 4 or 5 real pushes. The umbilical cord was so short that I wasn't even able to get a glimpse of Archer before he was wrapped up and blankets and whisked away into the NICU. Honestly, I didn't even get a peek of anything. Not his hair, toes, face or anything. I was so heart broken. I just knew it was going to be FOREVER before I got to see him... IF I even got to see him. Josh and my Mom stayed with me for a few minutes after Archer was taken out but I didn't need the support. I just wanted everyone to be there for Archer so I told them to go! ;) Dr. O and I finished the delivery and lucky for me (again) I didn't even need a single solitary stitch. Phew! It was strange to be so aware of the post delivery process. Normally at this point you're so overwhelmed getting to hold and see your baby that you don't really care about or realize what's going on around you. It was a very lonely feeling. With empty arms I was wheeled back into room 117. (too be continued)

Project 52 - Week 8

I absolutely LOVE this quote. I give it to each and every family I shoot a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep session for. The words are so simple but so true. There is no life that we bring into our own that fails to change us in some way. Be it in small or large ways.

I'm lucky enough to have already had a child who has changed me so significantly. Tay was my first angel baby and his loss in my life led me to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation, where I have been able to help so many others through their grief. Although he was born still, his presence forever changed the world.

Now, here I am nearly 6 years later, twice as lucky because I have another special baby on the way. Although he hasn't even been born yet, Archer has already drastically changed my life. He has changed how I look at and think about so many different things. Time with my children, my husband and family has new meaning, and greater importance. I understand more fully how fragile life is. It can be taken from us at any moment and there is nothing that we can do to control it. All we can do is love the ones we're with and cherish every moment, no matter how brief.

35 and a half weeks... we're getting closer!

Gotta say sorry. I had just written this huge post and then the computer just randomly shut itself off to update and I lost everything. And I even had some positive stuff written so that y'all could know I'm not always such a bummer. Not gonna lie... I'm kinda irked about losing it. Whatever... at this point I should kinda be expecting stuff like that, right?!

 So, baby Archer update. Let's see... did I post about the whole kidney stones fiasco? I think I did though it's hard to remember what I have and haven't done anymore. Pregnancy brain is a real killer ;) I swear I've lost all my short term memory and I'm totally NOT kidding about that. As you all know by now, I had my weekly appointment with Dr. O yesterday. I'm measuring around 39 weeks (and I'm only 35.5). Apparently the specialist from the hospital told my OB that all my fluid levels were normal and that the baby is actually measuring small. Not sure how he figures that 1+1=3, but whatever. Dr. O wants me to come in on Friday for a fetal weight measurement ultrasound on Friday so that he can see for himself. During the appointment Dr. O asked about my right side and back pain. He thought that it could be attributed to my gall bladder (stones or something) and so he ordered me STAT blood work and a STAT gall bladder ultrasound (for which I had to fast 8 hours for - meaning no food or drink, including water)and then told me to come back into the office after we left the imaging center. Needless to say, I spent all day prior to my ultrasound sleeping to keep my mind off of not being able to eat or drink anything. I swear, some Dr.s just like to torture us pregnant women. No food or water for 8 hours?! Hello! What else... want my right arm too? ;)

Four p.m. came and Josh and I went to the ultrasound and then went straight over to Dr. O's. Turns out there aren't any gall stones, which we'd already guessed as much from the ultrasound images. As much as the doc can figure Archer is pushing against my gall bladder and squishing it into my ribs and that is causing all the pain. Awesome cause there isn't ANYTHING that can be done for that. He wrote me a prescription for some heavy duty pain killers but all they do is make me dizzy and super nauseous. And the medication only helps the lesser of the pain... which really stinks cause it's the stronger aches and pains that I want to go away! Oh well, what else am I gonna do?!

I did finally get Dr. O to admit that he won't take the baby until 38 weeks, unless I go into labor before then. So I'm totally hoping that my water breaks here any time now because I can't take this pain anymore. Honestly, I don't even really sleep anymore. I told Josh that we should look up some 'do-it-yourself' c-sections on you tube and just take matters into our own hands. I don't think he took me seriously. ;)

Like every day before this, now we wait. Pray and wait. I'll update on Friday and hopefully have a fun new ultrasound pic to share.

*Update*

So... drumroll please... It isn't Kidney Stones, thank heavens. Could you imagine?! That's just be the icing on the cake. They did say there was a trace of bacteria that could mean an infection of some sort. I'm thinking it's Group B Strep 'cause I always test positive for that before delivery, and seriously... what else could it be? The nurse is thinking that the back pain is just due to the way that the baby is sitting. I'm thinking that I don't really care what it causing it, I just want it to stop. I asked the nurse to call in some more pain meds for me and she told me to start taking two pills instead of just one. I guess it will better to be nauseous rather than crying in pain. I gave the pharmacy until 2:30 to get the rx filled and then I when I went through the drive through they had no idea what I was talking about. There was no prescription under my name. Oh man... I was praying that it was a joke. I even asked the pharmacy tech if he was being serious. He apologized and tried looking to see if they lost it and according to him my Dr.'s office never even called! Honestly, like my sister said, I just can't catch a break! Well, the whole medication thing was the proverbial straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. I literally broke down right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.

  What am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I've been in labor for weeks, and now this pain is just more than I can handle. Isn't it enough to be having a child with special needs? Isn't it enough to be in this position already? Why all the physical pain and misery on top of it? I feel like Heavenly Father is punishing me for some wrong deed I must have done. I've been trying to be positive and think happy thoughts and all that... but it just doesn't seem to be working. I've only let myself cry a few times since last November. There isn't anything that crying can fix. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Its already a frustrating situation and behaving the way I have lately isn't making matters any better. Unfortunately, all you guys get to hear is my complaining and my frustration. Sorry about that- it just kinda comes out. But right now, all I have is pain to deal with. I think that as soon as I see my sweet baby boy all this will fade into the background and disappear. Hopefully. I mean, that sort of amnesia is what happens to mothers all the time... its why we have more babies. Once we see our baby's angelic faces, all the pain and misery seems to have never even happened. But right now, its call I can think about... finding a position that hurts the least. I'm hoping that tomorrow's Dr. appointment will prove fruitful. Maybe all this pain won't have been for nothing. Maybe I'll go in and have been having back labor all this time and be dilated 3 centimeters. Maybe Dr. O will see that I just can't handle this anymore and take pity on me. Maybe I'll be having a baby tomorrow, or Thursday even. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Can I get a break please?!

Sorry, but this post is going to be a little bit angry. What else am I gonna do? It's just gotten to that point. Currently, I am sitting on a Pilates ball bouncing away as I type this. I gotta get this kid out. I'm STILL having contractions, and now I get to add a couple more things to the ever growing list of FUN. For the past few days I've been having HORRIBLE, and I mean horrible back pain. Ok, well it isn't so much pain as it is a constant ache (think toothache or a side ache that you get when running). Really strong, annoying, won't go away aches. Instead of going away they just stay at a constant ache and then build up in pain for a while and then go back down and then build up again... on and on and on. Honestly, they've brought me to tears more than one time, and NO medication has been able to touch it. The only way I can even figure I'm able to sleep at night is because my body is just so friggin' exhausted that I pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. Oh wait... here's the Dr. calling me back. Just a second.

(Wait for it.)

Ok. It was the nurse. Dr. is in surgery. Surprise. They want me to come in and rule out kidney stones. What in the heck?! Is this some sort of cruel joke!? Kidney Stones, now that would be funny. I gotta go in and pee in a cup (which is dang near impossible to do cleanly this pregnant, might I add) and they called me in some stronger meds. Let's just cross our fingers that they actually do something. Oh man.... MY BACK IS KILLING ME!!! {bounce... bounce....bounce} Guess I should go and make myself semi-presentable. It's customary to dress up to pee in a cup I hear. I'll let y'all know what they say. Results should only take an hour. Seriously, if this is kidney stones then someone 'up there' really hates me - either that or he's really a prankster and likes to see me cry.

And then?!

I guess I owe y'all an update, huh? With two Dr. visits this week there should be LOTS to talk about. SHOULD being the operative word here. Tuesday was the visit with Maternal Fetal Medicine. I had an ultrasound and a "visit" with Dr. M, the new specialist. Let me tell you, I was not impressed. I felt like a bug on his windshield- unwanted and in the way. At least the ultrasound was amazing, and the tech was nice! I'll get an image up here asap. I was able to see his face SO clearly! Archer has the cutest little face. The sweetest nose, kissable lips, pinchable cheek. So cute. Seeing Archer's face made me so excited to see him. I can't wait til he gets here! After the ultrasound tech got all his numbers and measurements it was time for me to meet the new guy. Like I said before. I'm not impressed. He came in and was out in just a matter of two minutes (and that's being generous). He asked me one question (You're planning on a repeat c-section right?), waited for me to answer, then turned to the tech and told him to get me an appointment for 4 weeks. But wait. Here's the funny part. In my reply I told him how I had been in pre-term labor and that I was taking Nifedipine but that my OB was going to be taking me off of it tomorrow (meaning Wednesday) and then we were going to see what happened. He nodded a few times, said "uh-huh, uh-huh" and then told me he'd see me in four weeks. What in the HECK!? That's it?! No response? At all? Like several times before, I was stunned into silence. Sure, my thoughts were racing, but I failed to form them into words. Wouldn't he want to talk to my Dr? Did he have an concerns about me going off the medication? Did he want to know how I was feeling? Wasn't he wanting to know if I had any questions or concerns I'd like to share with him? Apparently not. After he left the room I looked at the tech and said, "So apparently everything looks good then?"And he told me that yes, everything looked good. My fluid levels were a little up but not enough that anyone was worried (especially considering the circumstances). They weren't able to get an accurate reading for the baby's weight because of the difference in head and abdomen measurements (they average to form a guesstimate on weight) and there was something about Archer's femur being a little smaller than average. Oooookay. Wasn't the Dr. supposed to tell me that? Whatever. Hopefully I won't being seeing him again. At all. EVER.
So then we move onto Wednesday with my OB. Slightly more contact time than yesterday but still... it was lacking. One plus was that we didn't have to wait for every long to get into a room... that almost NEVER happens. The nurse checked my urine sample, my weight and my blood pressure. Everything looked good until my blood pressure. It was up really high the first time, but that was because I was in the middle of a contraction. So the nurse checked it again, and it was a little lower, but still high (140/80). Moving on... Dr. comes in and checks to see if I'm dilated any - which I'm not. His actual words were something along the lines of "you haven't changed hardly any at all" (whatever that means). He asked how I was feeling, to which I said miserable! I told him about how I've been constantly contracting and that I didn't think the medicine was doing ANYTHING anymore. So, he said for me to stop taking it. Yay! But... he said it was still too soon to plan for a c-section. Boo! He wants the baby to stay put as long as possible, and then he said he'd see me next week (unless I went into labor). Argh! Throw me a freakin' bone here. I am hurting all the time! I just need some relief. Medication isn't helping AT ALL for pain relief, but it does do a good job of making me super dizzy and disoriented. Awesome - I don't know about you, but that's my favorite way to feel. ;)
So, like every other day before now... we wait. My favorite game of all time. Let's all just hope that my water breaks or something so this crazy labor train will just stop at the next station. Delivery!

P.S. In unrelated baby news... anyone seen the Hunger Games commercials?! AWESOME!!!!

New news

As you may already know from my last post, I had another visit with my OBGYN yesterday. So much fun. I spent nearly an hour in the waiting room, and about 10 minutes in the actual patient room, and probably a whoppin' 3 whole minutes with the Dr. Not a happy woman was I. My blood pressure was a little high, which was contributed to the Nifidepine, and everything else checked out perfectly. I came to the office prepared with a list of questions for Dr. O and all of them were answered, none with an answer I was happy with. Dr. O wants me to go another week on the Nifedipine. He'll be taking me off of it next Wednesday (at my next appointment) and then we'll "see what happens". I wanted to kick him in the shins and say "I'm going to start contracting harder and go into labor, Dummy!" but I was good and restrained myself. What I wanted him to say was that we could schedule a C-Section right then but apparently there is some national law that prohibits Dr.s from scheduling preterm c-sections (before 39 weeks or something like that) unless the mother is in some sort of danger (which I am not, thankfully). On Monday (or is it Tuesday?) I have an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine to have another ultrasound and talk with the new specialist. Did I ever mention that Dr. R quit? She couldn't handle the commute from Atlanta anymore. Can't say I blame her, but it would have been nice to have had the same Dr. through this whole mess. Oh well. That's life, right? Now, again... still.... it's a waiting game. Not a fun game mind you... but waiting I will be.

Still having contractions. In fact, I'm surprised that I didn't wind up in the hospital early this morning. They were coming every 2 and a half minutes yesterday and lasting for about a minute and half. Like always, they aren't very strong, but still strong enough that I have to breathe through some of them. I'm feeling nauseous a lot lately and my sides (esp. the right one) hurts so bad now that it feels the best when I'm laying down, so I'm doing a lot of that now. Let me tell you, my days are jam packed with fun and adventure. Sometimes I will read AND watch a book all at the same time. It's crazy! Luckily I have a fun weekend planned with my sis, Kacey. She and I are going to have some photography fun and I think that it is exactly what I need right now. Don't worry, it doesn't require movement on my part. ;) Well, I gotta go. It's time for me to... well, sit here and stare into the abyss. I just can't cancel that again.

The latest...

Wow. It's been awhile, huh?! Thanks to stupid virus creators (may they all burn in you-know-where), my computer has been rendered completely useless for the past week and a half or so. Awesome, I assure you. So, big THANK YOU to Whit for lending me her laptop - without which this post would not be possible!
Things have been pretty crazy round these part lately. Visitors, phone calls, and lots and lots of help. It's been amazing! I'm so grateful for everyone who's so selflessly served my family. It's really been such a huge help and a big stress reliever. So thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for all of you who have been there for not only me, but my family also.I've sent out thank you cards, but I'm positive I have missed someone (it's so like me to forget at least one person).
Last week was probably one of the best weeks I've had since this stupid bed-rest thing started. My mom, younger sister and baby nephew came to visit for an entire week! They helped clean, cook, shop and do all of the chores that had been building up. It was so much fun! Well, all of it but the them bossing me around part. ;) I kid, I kid!

Along pregnancy lines, I'm still contracting. Movement has begun to really make the contractions pick up so I've tried to get up and move around as little as possible. What's really been painful is the top of my stomach. Stinkin' nerves are stretched too tight and it feels like I've been hit across the top of my stomach and sides by a baseball player aiming for the parking lot, using a two by four. Yeah... OUCH!
I'm up to weekly appointments with the good 'ole Dr. now and lasts week's visit brought some crazy news. Dr. O wants to take me off the Nifedipine (the medication keeping my contractions under control) at the end of THIS week, and then let what happens, happen. I go in to see him again tomorrow and I'm thinking that we're going to discuss all the nitty gritty details. I'm thinking that I'll be having Archer this weekend, or hopefully Monday the 27th (which just happens to be the same birthday as two of the coolest people I know, my sister and my honorary nephew- hey Neen and Mack!). More than likely, it'll be a scheduled C-Section on Tuesday. IF I make it that far. Big BIG IF. Personally, I don't really care when as long as all the proper people are able to be there (Dr.s and specialists included).
Honestly though, I'm totally freaking out. I don't think that I'm ready for this. My life, my family's life... it's about to be rocked. Archer is going to require a lot of care (read: time and attention). I'm worried about balancing my time between each of my children and husband, taking care of my home, and taking care of myself. When I type it out, it doesn't seem like much... but it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. How am I going to do this? Am I really strong enough to handle all that is about to come? Answers to those questions remain yet to be answered. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Did I say I don't know?! Well, I don't.

So, can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell anyone? I'm scared. Truly, scared out of my mind. There are so many aspects of this whole situation, none of which I have ANY control over. It's unbelievably frustrating. So many questions that cannot be answered. I don't want Archer spending time in the NICU, but what if that's the only time we get with him? I don't want his whole life to be spent under machines and full of tubes. What if he passes away while I'm spending my required hour in recovery from the C-Section? I know it's selfish to think this way, but I want him to be beautiful to everyone, not just me... but what if he isn't? What if people are scared of him because of his disabilities? What if people are scared to hold him, or touch him? I don't want any one's pity, nor do I want any one feeling sorry for me... but what if that's all I get? Guys, really... this is scary stuff. How am I going to do this? One day at a time, I guess. Right?!
I guess I'm going to find out here really soon. Which is crazy! It all seems a little surreal. I can't believe that this is all happening so soon. I thought that I would have more time to prepare myself, that I'd be a little more ready... but I'm not. SO totally not.

So, my question to you: Any words of advice for me?

Pre-Term Labor? No thank you! - Part Three

Unfortunately, the Terb shot didn't do a dang thing but make my arm hurt and give me the shakes. Yuck. So several hours later they gave me a pill called Nifetipine that was supposed to be stronger. It helped a little by spacing out the contractions and lessening their strength - but not by much. Dr. O came in around 9:30 am Saturday morning and checked me again. I was still dilated to a one, but he thought that the back of my cervix was a little more dilated than yesterday, so I was ordered a lovely Magnesium Sulfate drip that was added to my already running IV. Yay! No more pokes.
Nurses were coming and going all day checking on me and trying to keep Archer's heartbeat monitored. But that dang little boy would NOT sit still. We couldn't keep track of his hb for longer than 5 minutes at a time without him kicking the machine and moving. I'm telling you, this little boy is a handful already! ;) At one point Ultrasound came in to check how Archer boy was laying (breech) in case we did need to have a c-section. Then I had the second dose of that awful steroid shot for baby's lungs. The nurses kept telling me to get some rest and try to sleep... but honestly, who  did they think I was?! With all the craziness going on and monitors beeping I was stressed to the max. NO way was I getting any sleep. I'm just glad that people came and stopped by to visit, otherwise I would have been bored out of my mind (there's never anything good on t.v. when you actually have time to sit and watch it)! Yeah, Josh was there but it's always fun to have visitors. (Love you, Josh!) I was still having contractions all day, but they were really tiny and kinda spaced out, and every 10 - 15 minutes I'd get a "big" one. Saturday night the Dr. ordered me a sleeping pill because I still hadn't slept AT ALL (no lie). Bless his heart, that sleeping pill made up for the straight catheter he had given me earlier. I've never slept so good in my life! I think I managed to get about 4 hours straight before I had to wake up to use the bathroom, after which I was able to go right back to sleep. Ahhh, bliss!
And let me tell you, trying to get to the bathroom when you are hooked up to all kinds of monitors and IV's is a royal pain in the you-know-what! Honestly, I held it as long as I could before I would get up and go (which wasn't very fun either). Never mind worrying about my behind hanging out of my gown, but I also had to worry about stepping on wires, pulling out tubing and not dropping it all in the toilet. Eww. Not fun.
Things started to finally slow down mid Sunday morning, and at ten the Dr. ordered the Mag drip to be lowered by half, until about 2 pm when it was shut off all the way. I still had contractions but they were still really mild compared to Friday, and the big ones were only coming every 15 - 20 minutes now. Phew. Things were looking up, finally. At about 5:30 pm the nurse came in and asked how I was feeling, and if I thought I was ready to go home. Uh, DUH! Yes, please!!! It took Josh all of about 10 minutes to throw all my stuff together and help me get dressed. Before I was wheeled out we had to sign some paperwork and then we were outta there. I can't be too sure, but I think Josh was even more bored sitting around the hospital room than I was. ;) So, now here I sit at home on semi-bed rest. Still contracting. Still having back pain... but at least Archer is still where he should be. The Dr. and I set a goal of reaching at least 34 weeks. We don't want him coming any sooner, and it would be awesome if he would stay in longer. Now, once again, we just have to wait. And let me tell you, it's only been three days of semi-bed rest and I am BORED! I need people to recommend some books and movies for me. I need something to do!

P.S. Big thanks to so many people:
-Jan and John for taking the kids for Josh and I Saturday through Sunday evening. It was such an amazing help to us!
-Kacey, my darling angel, for 'breaking into' my house and cleaning it for me while Josh and I were in the hospital
-All my visitors. You guys truly brightened my day!
-The nursing staff at EIRMC in L&D. You ladies were amazing and went out of your way to make me comfortable! You are the best.
-Dr. O. What would I do without you! You are an amazing Dr.

Pre-Term Labor? NO thank you! - Part Two

(FYI - all the pictures from my hospital stay were taken with my phone. Not the best quality I know. Don't judge me for it.)

Without wasting even a second, Dr. O and the nurse pull me into a room and start asking me questions. How long have I been contracting? How would I rate my pain? Yadda, yadda, yadda. Dr. O gives the nurse some instructions (gotta be honest, I wasn't listening) and then she told me to gown-up, pee in a cup and then get in bed. Fantastic. I could tell from the 'pee in a cup' it was going to be a fabulous night. Side note here, how in the heck to they expect very pregnant women to cleanly and effectively pee into a tiny little cup? It's just plain cruel! I honestly think they do it just to laugh at us. Rude. Anyways, back to the story... So, I get into bed and a nurse comes into the room followed by Dr. O. They check to see if I am dilated and sure enough I am at a 1, but tunneled (which means the front of my cervix was dilated but the back was still pretty closed). Dr tells them to give me a shot of Terbutaline in the arm to help stop the contractions along with a Morphine/Phenegrine (sp?) combination shot (NOT in the arm, if you catch my drift) for the pain and nausea I was currently experiencing. Next (it's three am now) I'm given a nasty bugger of a shot (NOT in the arm either) of steroids to help develop Archer's lungs in case I deliver soon (this was followed by another shot 12 hours later that day). Between all the madness, I'd been ID'd, hooked up to an IV and started on a drip to keep me hydrated, attached to a baby heart monitor and a contraction monitor, I'd probably signed my life away along with my unborn child with all the paper work, and answered a million questions about medical history, blood type and home life. Then, for the cherry on my already amazing sundae, Dr. O orders a straight catheter to get a "sterile urine sample" and I thought I liked him, too. Seriously, I peed in the dang cup! Wasn't that enough? Apparently not 'cause the next thing I know I'm BURNING down below and the nurse is apologizing to me like crazy - AND now I gotta pee... again! Holy crap, what a night. All I wanted at this point was a nap.

Pre-Term Labor? NO thank you! - Part One

Needless to say it was quite the weekend for the Anderson household. Friday night started just like any other night. Pizza and a movie for the kiddies and then a grown-up movie for Josh and I. (Captain America, eh... not too impressed. Glad I didn't waste money on seeing it in theaters.) At about 9:30 or so I started having some contractions, which isn't all that unusual for me - I get them on occasion. They weren't all too bad, though I did have to breathe through some of them. I thought I heard something about if you are having Braxton Hicks then you should get up and move and they should go away. Tried it. Didn't work. Now what? Don't freak out, I tell myself. So I tried to remain cool, calm and collected. I was the picture of ease.
It wasn't until about 10:30 that I really started to worry. This was when my lower back started to hurt with and between each and every contraction -which were coming every 5 minutes at this point.Call me crazy, but I wasn't too concerned about the contractions because they weren't all that painful. It was my back that was the problem. At eleven o'clock Josh and I went to bed. I thought that laying down might help... and I couldn't have been more wrong. While laying in bed I downloaded a free app that times the duration and frequency of your contractions, while also keeping track of start and stop times for each one. AWESOME! So, I started keeping accurate track. And it made me a little nervous because they were almost dead on every 3 minutes for over an hour. I swear, you could have set a clock by them! This is when I got nervous. My back pain was excruciating, and the contractions... not so much. If I wouldn't have had the back pain, I probably wouldn't have worried. I know, I know... shame on me, I got the lecture.
You would think that after 4 kids I would know what labor feels like. But you see, I'm a little weird. Labor doesn't really hurt for me until I'm about 8 cm dilated. My labor with Blake and Logan both went exactly like my night was going, and then my water ended up breaking early the next morning during both situations. At 31 weeks, I wasn't really wanting to risk getting to that point. I was scared that if I shook it off and just went to sleep (which I doubt I could have) that I would have woken up in a puddle of fluid in a few hours. So, I consulted an expert. After searching the internet for the differences between Braxton Hicks and true labor and trying to distinguish what I was actually feeling (all the while timing my contractions at every 3 minutes), I decided to give my Doctor a call - which if you know me is rare. I HATE being "that" patient. I think it was about 1:30 am at this point, and I was really starting to get scared. Dr. O happened to already be in the hospital delivering another patient (thank heavens I wasn't the one to wake him up!) and told me to get in there right away. "Yes, sir!" was my only thought.
I hobbled into the bedroom and tried to wake Josh up to let him know what was going on. Oh, this is where I need to note that before falling asleep Josh told me, "tell me now if you think we are going in {the hospital} tonight." My stupid, don't want to be trouble reply was, " I think I'm going to be ok." Back to the story. After three nights staying awake with a sick Logan, Josh and I were really tired. I don't think I need to mention that it was hard to rouse my husband. I think he might have heard me tell him I was leaving to the hospital, but his response was muffled out by his snoring. Poor guy- I could feel his pain... and a whole 'lotta mine! Well, I wasn't going to wait for him, I had places to be. I put on some decent clothes and drove my laboring behind to the hospital. Five contractions later I found myself waddling into L&D only to run smack dab into none other than my amazing OB, Dr. O and a nurse. Halelujah!

Pregnancy Update

(Because all posts are better with a picture. Isn't she so funny when she 'models'? I just let her do whatever she wants and when she was doing her poses for me, she kept asking me "Do I look cute? Is this cute? How about this?" It was pretty friggin' hilarious.)

Thank you so much for every one's prayers 'cause let me tell you, they really helped. I had my 30 week appointment with Dr. O yesterday and all my glucose numbers came back looking good. Meaning? NO gestational diabetes, holla! I'm so glad. The last thing I wanted to do was spend the next (x) amount of weeks pricking my fingers thrice a day and testing my levels. Yuck. I had GD with Blake or Alli  (isn't that sad that I can't remember?) and it got to the point where I just faked my numbers. I couldn't even prick my fingers. Seriously, I wouldn't let myself push that little button on the needle thing. I just had to be SUPER careful about what I ate. I totally do not recommend anyone else doing this - I'm just irresponsible like that (and lucky that nothing serious happened).

Another positive from yesterday's appointment: my blood pressure is back to normal. It was pretty high at my last appointment and made everyone kinda nervous. It's good to have it back in my normal range - just one less thing to worry about. I asked about the burning the happens all day long (and gets worse at night) along my right, and now left sides. Turns out, it's my nerves being stretched beyond maximum capacity and they aren't handling it very well. In fact I'd say they are in the 'Terrible-Two's stage of tantrums and I don't know how to calm them down. Turn's out that there isn't anything to be done for it  and Tylenol isn't working (No offense Tylenol). Honestly, it doesn't even take the edge off.

It's crazy to think that Archer is going to be here so soon. Only about 8 (or less) weeks left until my world is completely turned upside down. I wish that there was something to do to better prepare. It's frustrating just waiting.

I made my OB (Dr. O) swear that he was going to be there for the c-section. I've had the worst sleep the last several nights and I think it's because I'm worrying about D day so much. It totally freaks me out thinking about going into labor early (as I did with Logan and Blake) and having to have some stranger cutting me open at 2 am on a Saturday morning with all the necessary people missing (esp. people like my family). I really really really want Dr. O there. He has been the most amazing Dr. and has been with me for EVERY pregnancy and delivery (including Tay's) and I don't want this pregnancy to be an exception. I made Dr. O promise that he wasn't going on any vacations or scuba trips (he's a big scuba diver) and he assured me that he would be there for the delivery and wouldn't have it any other way. It made me feel so much better, and still, I worry about it... go figure. Isn't that a mother's job anway? Let me ask my mom... "Hey mom! Does the worrying EVER stop?" ... She'll let us know.