One Year Ago Today

   One year ago today, my world was filled with more pain, fear, excitement, happiness and sorrow than one heart should be able to contain. I was given the opportunity to meet an angel. To hold and to kiss and to love him. He was the sweetest little boy there ever was and for a short time I was in his presence. And I loved it. Each and every second I spent with him was a treasure. A priceless gift that I will never forget.
   Pregnancy is a literally a labor of love. As a mother, there is nothing that can better describe the 9 months of physical and emotional torture that we go through than a 'labor of love'. And oh how I love my Archer boy.

   Let me tell you, there is nothing, NOTHING that can be said to describe the feelings of watching a team of medical staff working to keep your baby alive. The turmoil and anguish, the desperation, the panic. It's all so overwhelming. So many things were happening in that tiny NICU staging room, and all I was worried about was that tiny little boy. A bomb could have exploded next to me and I wouldn't have even given it a thought. I am so grateful for my nurse, Kandi Kidder, and for all NICU doctors and nurses. For their efforts, their quick skill and thoughtfulness. They will never know what their actions meant to me and my husband. Words of thanks will never be enough.

 

Because I had just given birth, I wasn't allowed to follow Archer in his incubator shaped chariot as he was wheeled to NICU 3. Josh was able to go however, and he watched the Dr. and nurses get our little man set up in his new room. Complete with multiple machines, breating equipment, tubing and monitoring sensors- and all the life sustaining equipment he needed.

That last image has got to be one of my absolute favorite from the day. The look of happiness and love on Josh's face is priceless.

Happy 1st Birthday Archer!

 

 

   My sweet, darling boy. Oh how I miss you. So much has happened since you left us only one year ago. Have you seen how we've grown? How much we've learned and progressed?

   Do you know how much your brothers and sister miss you? How much your Dad misses you? How much I miss you? There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of you. I never believed that my heart could actually physically hurt. Never thought it was possible. But oh how my heart aches at each and every thought of you. Every time I hear a baby cry, or see a mother with her newborn babe - my thoughts are immediately filled with you. How I will never hold you again. How I will never smell your sweet baby smell, kiss your tiny lips or feel your soft baby skin again. How I missed out on so many things. My arms yearn to hold you again. Oh, how they feel so empty without you to hold. Even now they know you are missing. They feel every moment you are away.

   My little man, you are so very loved. Your brother and sister constantly pray for you (and your brother Tay) to come down from Heaven so that they can see you, talk to you, and play with you. Blakey even told me that he didn't even want all his toys for Christmas, all he really wanted was for you to come back home. Did you hear him? How much he misses you? Alli wants you back so badly. Do you see Alli cry for you when she asks about when she gets to see you again? Do you hear how she misses you? Do you even begin to realize how much you are loved? How much you are missed? I cannot wait for the day that we are reunited. How I look forward to the day where I can hold you again.

   I only pray that I am worthy to be with you again. You (and your brother) are my driving force. My reasons to try. There are somedays where I think that all I do is not enough... and you must know how that breaks my heart. It is unthinkable that I might not measure up. Help me be the mother that you deserve. Remind me to be more patient. Remind me to be more kind and loving. Remind me of the things are important when it seems I have forgotten. Help me return to you my angel boy.

 

With all my love,

your Mommy



I am ashamed...

It has come to my attention that I have been neglecting this blog. I am working on resolving this issue. Please be patient and keep in mind that I am a crazy mother of three (four if you include my husband - which I do on occasion) with a life that includes... well... a lot of other things, if you must know. ;)

Random Bits

I don't care how many times it's explained to me, I just don't get how planes can fly. Like this picture explains... it takes a whole 'lotta magic. There's no other way to explain how an enourmous metal tube can propel itself through no matter how many engines and power are behind it. I mean, it just doesn't make sense!!!

Random Bits

Seriously, there you are cruising down the road, windows down, music blaring and you've got a smile on your face. You're just belting out the words at the top of your lungs, and the artist goes and screws up all your fun. Man, it's so annoying. I just hate that! Don't you Neen?! I can't even begin to tell you how many artists get the words to their OWN songs wrong. It happens more than you'd think. Believe me.



Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there. I hope that your day was as great as mine! A few weeks ago, at a Relief Society activity about parenting, I was given this list of things our mothers teach us. I thought it very fitting to share with you on a day such as today. I don't know who wrote it but it is probably one of the funniest things I've ever read!

Things My Mother Taught Me:
1. To appreciate a job well done:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

2. Religion:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"

3. Time Travel:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. Logic:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

5. Foresight:
"Make sure you always wear clean underwear incase you're ever in an accident."

6. Weather
"This room looks as if a tornado went through it."

7. The Circle of Life:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

8. Medical Science:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes they are going to get stuck like that."

9. Humor:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

10. How to Become an Adult:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

11. Genetics:
"You are just like your father."

12. Roots:
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?!"

13. Stamina:
"You will sit here at this table until all that spinach is gone."

14. Wisdom:
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

15. Justice:
"One day you'll have kids and I hope that they turn out just like you!"



Mom, thank you for all you've taught me! :) Truly though, I love you so much and I hope that I can be even half the mother that you are!

Well, Jesus did....

     I've finally got around to cleaning out the room that was going to be Archer's nursery. It was like pulling out my own teeth, sans Novocaine. I didn't want to do it and it was very painful. As I was taking down the crib Blake came in and yelled at me "What are you doing!?" I told him that I was taking down the crib because we didn't need it. He replied with "Where is Archer going to sleep when he comes back?" I explained to him that "Archer went back to Heaven, remember? He isn't going to come back." And do you know what his reply was, "Well, Jesus died, and He came back." What am I supposed to say to that? :) Smart little boy. Every single one of Blake's nighttime prayers includes, "Please bless that Archer will come back to earth." (except his 'earth' sounds more like 'erf'). It is one of the sweetest, most heartbreaking things I've ever heard.