D-Day part 4

As the family and I trekked to the NICU, my stomach was all a flutter with nerves. I was so excited to see him again, and excited for Alli to get to see and hold him for the first time. And to tell the truth, I was excited for ME to get to hold him again too! Cause you can bet your bottom dollar that I was going to get to hold him before ANYONE else... sorry Josh. I can't even begin to explain how nervous I was when the NICU nurse was getting Archer all ready to be held. There I was, sitting in this big, plastic rocking lazy-boy type chair with family all around me. I know that they were all jealous - as they should have been. Archer was the sweetest, most beautiful boy there ever was and I was going to get to hold him. I don't think anyone else but the nurses had held him, and here I was lucky enough to get the chance to love on him TWICE! Lucky me! As soon as the nurses passed Archer over, Alli was right there over my shoulder, wanting to stroke his head, and kiss on him and hold him. But as I held him I noticed that his lips and fingers, a once pretty pink, were starting to turn a scary shade of purplish-blue. I had only been holding him for a few moments (certainly not long enough) and I told the nurse that I thought something was wrong, his coloring wasn't right. That was when one of the many machines Archer was attached to started this wretched beeping. It was his o-sats monitor and the numbers were dropping really fast, and right a long with 'em was my plummeting heart. Within a matter of moments Archer's oxygen went from 91% all the way down to 40% and I went all the way from elated to horror stricken. My selfishness to hold Archer nearly killed him! I felt terrible. Needless to say, I wasn't going to let anyone (including myself) hold him ever again! It was way too risky for Archer and it was damaging to my heart. I wasn't prepared to see something like that happen again. Even the nurses, who were so calm earlier that morning were sent into a panic trying set things right. Everyone but Josh and I pretty much cleared the room while the nurses helped my little man bring his sats up again. I've never felt so helpless in my life. There wasn't anything I could do to help. Nothing I could do but watch. What a sickening feeling that was. Dr. J kept telling us that we could try holding Archer again, but I wasn't having any of it. I was fine just being able to touch him, and that would have to do for everyone else as well. Gradually, family left and Josh went to make some phone calls to more family and I was alone with Archer once again. It was during this time that Dr. J received more definitive results and came in to share the news with me. Looks like things were worse than he/we thought. Archer's heart was struggling and so were his lungs, and Dr. J didn't know how long my baby was going to be able to hold on. He wanted to know if Josh and I were ready to tell him what we wanted, and asked to meet us back in my room. I swear, every trip up and down that hall from my room to the NICU and back felt like it took forever. I could never get to the NICU fast enough and I'd worry the whole way and every walk back to my room felt like it would be the last time I saw Archer alive. It was a horrible, horrible thing. Almost like death row I imagine. I hated it, but I couldn't make the trip enough.