D-Day part 2

Holy moly. I'm scared to re-read what I wrote last night. I hope it made some sort of sense... After delivering in the OR, I was sent back to my room. Luckily I had an A-MAZING nurse who really pushed for me to be able to go and see Archer ASAP. It was awesome. They wheeled my hospital bed right into the stabilizing area (what used to be the old NICU before the remodel) so that I could be with Archer while they assesed his vitals and all that good stuff. I will forever be grateful to Kandi (my awesome nurse) for pulling for me like that. Truly, she's the best. The entire family and I were able to stay in there with Archer for quite a while and were even able to watch while they gave him his x-rays. It was at this point where the neonatologist told us that due to the way Archer was reacting it seemed as if there was more going on than just the holoprosencephaly. My world literaly crashed down around me. Before I went in to deliver, the same neonatologist had come in and given us so much HoPE about Archer's situation. He was so positive about everything - not the typical 'doom and gloom' that we had become accustomed to. Back in the stabilizing room the NICU team were having to help Archer breathe and had called in the echo team to test his heart. Three major organs (brain, lungs and heart) down... how many more to go? Needless to say, the room was full of tears. Josh and I had gone into this situation thinking that we were so prepared, ready to make decisions. But then we see Archer's sweet, beautiful little face and everything just changed. What was the right decision anymore? We didn't know. Was there a 'right decision'? Was there a wrong? Darned if I knew. And it was made a million times worse when I was able to hold him and kiss on him. Oh, that was the sweetest moment! My tiny little Angel man FINALLY in my arms... even if it was for just a moment. As they transported Archer to the NICU, my bed followed his out of the stabilizing area and down the hall for a bit. L&D had their own little parade (even some of the nurses were waving and saying that we needed to throw out candy). I'm sure it was quite the show, what with all the people and equipment and all. I waved goodbye to my baby at the door of my room and watched them wheel him through the double doors and around the corner. So sad - I cannot even begin to describe that heart wrenching feeling of helplessness. Oh so painful. Would I see him again? Would he be ok? Would I ever get to hold him again? What if he stopped breathing and I wasn't there? What if, what if, what if? Lucky for me Kandi pulled through again and got me cleaned up and into a wheelchair as quickly as possible so that I could go and see my babe in the NICU. My heart raced the entire way. My nurse couldn't get me there fast enough. I was so worried that I was going to miss out on everything!