Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The latest...

Wow. It's been awhile, huh?! Thanks to stupid virus creators (may they all burn in you-know-where), my computer has been rendered completely useless for the past week and a half or so. Awesome, I assure you. So, big THANK YOU to Whit for lending me her laptop - without which this post would not be possible!
Things have been pretty crazy round these part lately. Visitors, phone calls, and lots and lots of help. It's been amazing! I'm so grateful for everyone who's so selflessly served my family. It's really been such a huge help and a big stress reliever. So thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for all of you who have been there for not only me, but my family also.I've sent out thank you cards, but I'm positive I have missed someone (it's so like me to forget at least one person).
Last week was probably one of the best weeks I've had since this stupid bed-rest thing started. My mom, younger sister and baby nephew came to visit for an entire week! They helped clean, cook, shop and do all of the chores that had been building up. It was so much fun! Well, all of it but the them bossing me around part. ;) I kid, I kid!

Along pregnancy lines, I'm still contracting. Movement has begun to really make the contractions pick up so I've tried to get up and move around as little as possible. What's really been painful is the top of my stomach. Stinkin' nerves are stretched too tight and it feels like I've been hit across the top of my stomach and sides by a baseball player aiming for the parking lot, using a two by four. Yeah... OUCH!
I'm up to weekly appointments with the good 'ole Dr. now and lasts week's visit brought some crazy news. Dr. O wants to take me off the Nifedipine (the medication keeping my contractions under control) at the end of THIS week, and then let what happens, happen. I go in to see him again tomorrow and I'm thinking that we're going to discuss all the nitty gritty details. I'm thinking that I'll be having Archer this weekend, or hopefully Monday the 27th (which just happens to be the same birthday as two of the coolest people I know, my sister and my honorary nephew- hey Neen and Mack!). More than likely, it'll be a scheduled C-Section on Tuesday. IF I make it that far. Big BIG IF. Personally, I don't really care when as long as all the proper people are able to be there (Dr.s and specialists included).
Honestly though, I'm totally freaking out. I don't think that I'm ready for this. My life, my family's life... it's about to be rocked. Archer is going to require a lot of care (read: time and attention). I'm worried about balancing my time between each of my children and husband, taking care of my home, and taking care of myself. When I type it out, it doesn't seem like much... but it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. How am I going to do this? Am I really strong enough to handle all that is about to come? Answers to those questions remain yet to be answered. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Did I say I don't know?! Well, I don't.

So, can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell anyone? I'm scared. Truly, scared out of my mind. There are so many aspects of this whole situation, none of which I have ANY control over. It's unbelievably frustrating. So many questions that cannot be answered. I don't want Archer spending time in the NICU, but what if that's the only time we get with him? I don't want his whole life to be spent under machines and full of tubes. What if he passes away while I'm spending my required hour in recovery from the C-Section? I know it's selfish to think this way, but I want him to be beautiful to everyone, not just me... but what if he isn't? What if people are scared of him because of his disabilities? What if people are scared to hold him, or touch him? I don't want any one's pity, nor do I want any one feeling sorry for me... but what if that's all I get? Guys, really... this is scary stuff. How am I going to do this? One day at a time, I guess. Right?!
I guess I'm going to find out here really soon. Which is crazy! It all seems a little surreal. I can't believe that this is all happening so soon. I thought that I would have more time to prepare myself, that I'd be a little more ready... but I'm not. SO totally not.

sign off for blogSo, my question to you: Any words of advice for me?


Michelle D. said...

Bree, I know this is a scary time for you. Who wouldn't be scared. Yes, you will have a lot on your plate (okay, you already do), but don't forget to take care of yourself. Cherish every moment you have with Archer, but realize that you do need to sleep, eat, and recover. If you do end up spending hours in the NICU, your other kids will be fine. This won't be forever. There are tons of family and friends that are more than willing to care for them while you are needed elsewhere. We are only a phone call away at any time of day!

Anonymous said...

With my first baby, I got unexpectedly sick and the doctor told my mom I could die, though the baby was in no immediate danger. I had an emergency c-section. It was a long recovery for me. My biggest mistake was not letting anyone help me. I went through 3 months of post-pardum depression and still haven't worked through my sorrows completely. I know you've been through tough situations like this before, and hopefully you've already learned that you should let anyone and everyone who can and will help---help you. And don't feel guilty for focusing on your new baby. In the long scheme of things, your other kids will be okay and your husband will understand too. And even if you don't clean your house for 6 months, that will be okay too. Sometimes there are more important things in this life. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

James & Amy Anderson Family said...

Bree, I am so nervous for you. I can't even imagine how nervous you are! I am praying that all goes well. You are an amazing woman & I know Heavenly Father will give you the strength to deal with this. Keep us posted!

Mr. Zuercher said...

No one is ever ready for something like this, ever. It is okay to be scared, the bravest people are scared to death inside. Whatever happens....it will not be more than what you can handle. But why do you have to handle so much and is it fair? I have always been a firm believer that the Lord chooses the strongest of his children to suffer while all the others watch and learn. It is impossible for us to develop only on our own experiences. Bree you are a heroine and I believe that you will go through this experience with as much grace and faith as you did the last. One word of advice that I can offer you is to breathe. The only difference between fear and excitement is ones breathing. Remember to breathe. I love you Bree and I know with all my heart and soul that you are going to do great because all who have never suffered will be watching in amazement. Chan

Joelle said...

You are amazing and have inspired me so much! I have been amazed through your journey so far. You will be just as awesome through whatever comes. Don't forget, whatever happens, that your babies are yours forever. There are so many that love you and will be beside you through the whole thing. Love ya tons!

neenerneener said...

okay will you just stop making me cry already??? oooooo I'm so nervous to meet Archer boy I can't even stand it, and even though he'll be my favorite no matter...I really hope he's born on my birthday because then he'll be my favorite FAVORITE:) I love you sister and can't wait to see where this adventure takes us cause I know you'll be amazing through it all!

Melinda said...

Oh BreAnn, I would be so scared too! But in life, it seems that the what-if's are harder to handle then having something solid to do. Once he's here, you'll know what you have to do, it will be better. I feel like sharing this blog with you, this woman's fourth child was born with a cleft pallet and some chromosomal problems, maybe it will help you to read her story. I hope so! Here's a link from right before her baby was born:

and this is about a week after:

If you want to read more after, you can go through the posts, I don't know why but I really felt like her blog could help, I hope it does!

Most of all, I hope you know so many people love you, I love you, and your Heavenly Father loves you, your family, and especially Archer. Good luck, I'm still praying for you!

carlyandjay said...

Hi, I saw your post on the HPE group and wanted to check out your blog! I am a HPE mom. I have twin girls getting ready to turn 3 years old. One if my girls has Holoprosencephaly and the other was born without any health conditions. We've had many up's and down's since we first found out during my 20 week ultrasound. It is life-changing in many ways, for the good and for the not so good. I wouldn't change it, though. Are you on Facebook? There are a lot of HPE moms on there! Will be keeping you in my thoughts!