Now it becomes a waiting game...

and one of the worst games EVER! Honestly, at least we didn't get any worse news today. I was hoping that we'd hear "Sike! Jokes on you. Baby's perfectly healthy... hahahahaha!" But, that's not even close to how the appointment went. After sitting in the waiting room for nearly 30 minutes, I was lead back to the ultrasound room. Palms sweating and nerves rolling through me the entire way. All I could think was "Please let there be some sort of good news. Please..." From the last post you all know that the amniocentesis results were back and today's ultrasound was really just to see how Archer is progressing, and seeing if he had any deformities or defects that we needed to "worry" about or keep and eye on. I know it sounds vain, but I was truly worried about this. At the first ultrasound we were hearing words like cleft lip, nose deformity, eye deformity and even finger and toe deformities. It was a scary thing to hear on top of the Holoprosencephaly diagnosis. All I could think about was people (even worse, my children) being scared to look at him or touch him or even thinking he was ugly. Again, call me vain... but I didn't want to have to deal with that. It broke my heart just to think about it! No mother wants that for her child. Well, I don't anyways. I didn't want people to look at Archer and pity him OR me. I want people to look at Archer and see him for the sweet little, stinker of an angel he is. I want everyone to love him as much as I already do.
Lucky for me, Heavenly Father saw fit that I have a little silver lining on this storm cloud of a situation. Archer is looking good! No physical abnormalities or deformities whatsoever. {Phew!} All that they could find was that his chin looks a little small, but it isn't an indicator of any underlying syndrome. Dr. R told me that 'normal' people can have the same thing (I can't remember what the technical name for it is- micro something or other meaning chin). Growth wise, Archer boy is looking good. He is right on schedule to be exact, which I don't remember ANY of my other kids ever being. They were always one week ahead or behind schedule. We're both measuring 26 weeks and 4 days. Yikes. This is going a lot faster than I thought it would. Only 13.5 weeks left (if I go full term).Too fast, and not fast enough. Does that even make sense?! It does to me, and probably a few mothers out there as well.
After the ultrasound, Dr. R and I talked about all sorts of things. Mainly I wanted to know what I needed to be expecting. To which, there are no answers. Every child, every case is different unfortunately so there is nothing that Dr. R could tell me about the upcoming months of my life. Scary. I HATE not knowing things. That's the hardest part for me... not being prepared. Not having answers. It's so frustrating! Even worse, all the amniocentesis was able to tell us was that Archer does in fact have Holoprosencephaly. Shocker, I know. I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing I did: "Tell me something I don't know!".
Dr. R was able to tell me that she thinks (based on the looks from the ultrasound) Archer has semi-lobar holoprosencephaly. Even knowing that, there isn't anything that we can expect. Nothing concrete to prepare for. Like I mentioned earlier, every baby is different. We won't know anything about the extent of his limitations and disabilities until Archer is born, and even then it will be a day to day adventure- to be sure!
But, can I tell you a secret?! I am scared to death! If we get to bring Archer home, then really I'll just be waiting for him to leave me, leave us. That is the one single thing we do know. Holoprosencephaly has an expiration date - we just don't know what that date is. I won't ever be able to leave him by himself. How can I ever walk away from him, knowing it could be the last time I see him alive? How will I shower? Exercise? Eat? How will I sleep? This poor little guy is going to be smothered by me. It kills me to think about him passing without me by his side. Absolutely KILLS me. I honestly don't know how any of the mothers before me did it. Word of the day: HOW?! {Ahhhhhhhhhhh! (Think Pee-Wee's Playhouse)} How, how, how?! Everything that I thought I would do after I had this baby and now there isn't ONE thing that I can count on doing. Not one. The next 'who knows how many days/months/years' of my life are all labeled with this huge bold question mark. How can I waste a single minute away from Archer, when I don't even know how many I'll get with him? How does anyone expect me to share him once he gets here? How will I be able to balance caring for my other three children and Archer? How will I be able to stay sane during this whole process? How am I not going to run myself ragged? How can I NOT worry about all of this now - when there isn't anything I can do to change what lies ahead? How many sleepless nights lie ahead of me? How many Extra Strength Tylenol do I have left, because I have one heck of a headache!?